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Would I lie to you?
It depends. Are we married?
Because then I might. And you might lie to me, too.
Let's be clear: I'm not talking about the big, ugly, deal-breaking deceptions -- lies that, if exposed, could destroy a relationship.
I'm talking about the fibs and feints and little white lies that serve as a social salve and help a relationship run smoothly. You know what I mean.
And you know that even in the best marriages and romantic relationships, we sometimes fail to tell the truth. After all, we have plenty of reasons not to.
We fib to avoid conflict. To gain approval. To save face. Or just to be kind. (Show me a man who tells his wife she looks fat, and I'll show you a man headed for a night on the couch.)
Speaking of men, they didn't exactly line up to be interviewed for this column. I asked hundreds of them about the little fibs they tell their wives or significant others. And here's what I got: radio silence.
The women I queried yammered on and on. They giggled as they told of lying to -- or withholding the truth from -- their partners about their dress sizes, the cost of their hair highlights, whether they got Botox injections or how much reality TV they watch.
'You mean the old 'new clothes out of the Nordstrom shopping bag into the cleaner's plastic garment wrap before you come into the house' trick?' asked a human-resources executive in San Francisco, who has been married for 37 years. 'Well, obviously I plead guilty.'
One woman told of ordering take-out food as a newlywed, then dumping it all in pots on the stove before her husband came home from work. Another said she waited three years before telling her husband she had dropped one of the diamond earrings he'd given her down the sink. (Each time he asked why she wasn't wearing them, she claimed they hurt her to wear.) Yet another told of a friend who pockets the money her husband gives her for a housekeeper and does the cleaning herself.
Many women I spoke with seemed almost proud of the cleverness of their shams. So why wouldn't any men cop to stretching the truth from time to time? Intrigued, I asked them.
The answers poured in. (Promising anonymity helped.)
'What don't men lie about?' quipped one man I asked.
'For men, all lies are big,' explained another.
'I don't lie. I tell the truth . . . slowly,' said a third.
And there were others: 'Guys constantly feel like they are being called into the principal's office. That's why we lie.'
'Most of my buddies tell very large white lies, and in order to really keep the peace, those cannot be disclosed!'
'It's not a lie if you believe it ('Seinfeld's George Costanza).'
Pressed for specifics, my male sources finally owned up to fudging the truth about working late (to meet friends at a bar, sneak in a ballgame or take a walk alone). They also said they fibbed about how much they drank at a party, how fast they drive, whether they find their female friends attractive, how much they like their significant other's cooking or outfits -- 'After she's changed 10 times, you'll say yes to anything to get out the door' -- and yard work.
'I sometimes fib about trimming limbs off the trees in the yard,' says a small-business owner in Kentucky, who admits he's been known to go overboard with a handsaw. 'I tried to tie it to crop circles once, but I really don't think she bought it.'
Two weeks ago, he sawed off a limb, leaving a huge white stump. Desperate to hide the evidence, he climbed a ladder with a brown magic marker and colored the wood in. 'She never saw it!' he says proudly.
OK, just hold on a moment. Doesn't anyone remember Pinocchio? The Bible? Their mom? Lying is bad, especially when the recipient is your life partner. Do I really have to explain this?
So why is everyone so busy manipulating the truth -- even if they don't always consider it lying?
'It's a matter of survival,' says Ed Dunkelblau, a psychologist and director of the Institute for Emotionally Intelligent Learning in Northbrook, Ill. 'If you don't fib, you don't live.'
In other words, sometimes lies -- at least the little ones -- can help our relationships.
For starters, they allow us to avoid conflict. That's why James Carbonara told his then-girlfriend he had to take clients to dinner (he was playing poker with buddies), ate turkey sandwiches for lunch (he preferred burgers and pizza) and craved iced tea (he needed an excuse to get out of the house to sneak an occasional cigarette). 'The No. 1 reason guys lie is so that women don't get mad,' says Mr. Carbonara, a 28-year-old investor-relations officer in New York.
For Tanner Lenart, a little lying has prevented a lot of arguing during her five-year marriage. The problem? Her husband's favorite T-shirts, which have holes and no arms (he cut them off). 'I am sure they are very useful when you are working in the brush in Texas, but they have no place in our cute little neighborhood in Salt Lake City,' says Ms. Lenart, 30, a law student.
So she hides the T-shirts, including one from an asphalt company and a 'screaming green' one from a scuba shop in Oahu. When her husband asks if she's seen them, she says no.
Joshua Lenart takes the deception in stride. 'As long as she doesn't throw them away, it's OK,' says the 31-year-old university English teaching assistant. 'I'll look under the bed or behind the dresser, make sure they get washed, and put them back into rotation.'
Fibs can help us protect a loved one, as Sadie Alexander of Paris, Texas, can attest. She concocted a doozy to get her husband to see the doctor. He had a hernia in his testicle, but was too scared to get it checked. For two years, she says, he ignored it and it kept growing.
So one night after the kids went to bed, she sat him down on the deck and told him she'd had a checkup that day. 'If there's a little lump in my breast, it's probably nothing, right?' she asked him.
'He went ballistic,' says Ms. Alexander, 35. She says her husband bellowed about how he couldn't live without her and insisted she go to a doctor immediately. She let him rant for a while. Then she calmly told him, 'I didn't say I had a lump in my breast. I said, 'If I did, should I see a specialist?' You are the one with a lump. And the doctor says it could kill you.'
'It worked like a charm,' says Ms. Alexander. Her husband agreed to see a doctor and had surgery several weeks later to repair the hernia. (He declined to be interviewed.)
OK, that's a bit extreme. But, let's face it, there are some things we are always going to fib about to the people we love.
'We all want to be truthful, but there is such a thing as tact,' says Wayne Wilson, a retired financial executive in Seattle. When his wife asks how she looks, he always tells her she is beautiful. 'A bad hair day isn't going to change your life,' says Mr. Wilson, 64. 'What's to be gained by saying something negative to someone that is of such fleeting importance?'
His wife says she is just fine with his confession. 'After 15 years of marriage, we both realize that maybe we have exaggerated at times,' says Tamara Wilson, 48, who owns a public-relations agency.
Her standard lie? 'Oh, you're so strong.'
參考譯文：
我會對你撒謊嗎？
這要看情況了。我們結(jié)婚了嗎？
因為，如果是這樣，那么我可能會對你撒謊。而你也可能會對我撒謊。
我不妨說得明白些：我說的可不是那些天大的、丑陋的、毀滅性的欺騙──那些一旦被發(fā)現(xiàn)，就會讓我們的關(guān)系毀于一旦的謊言。
我說的是那些虛幌一槍，無關(guān)痛癢的善意謊言，它們能時不時地充當(dāng)社交藥膏，使我們的關(guān)系更加順暢。你肯定知道我是什么意思。
而你也清楚，即便是最美好的婚姻，最浪漫的兩性關(guān)系，我們有時候也無法說實話。畢竟，我們總有很多理由不說實話。
我們扯謊是為了避免沖突。為了得到同意。為了面子。或者就是因為心軟。（如果你能說出一個對老婆說她看上去很胖的男人，那么我就能給你找到一個被下放到沙發(fā)上過夜的男人。）
說到男人，他們可沒有排隊等著接受我為這個專欄所做的采訪。我問過幾百個男人有關(guān)他們向老婆或者熱戀中的另一半扯過的謊。這就是我得到的答案：沉默。
我所采訪的女性則是滔滔不絕。當(dāng)說著如何向另一半就衣服尺寸有多大、挑染頭發(fā)花了多少錢、是否注射了肉毒桿菌素(Botox)或者她們其實看了多少真人秀等說謊或者不說實話的時候，她們咯咯直笑。
“你是說這類居家把戲嗎──進(jìn)家門前把從高檔百貨公司Nordstrom新買的衣服裝進(jìn)洗衣店塑料袋子里？”舊金山一位已婚37年的人力資源主管問道。“嗯，我當(dāng)然撒過這樣的謊。”
一位女性說，剛結(jié)婚那會兒，她總是叫外賣食物，然后在老公下班之前把它們倒進(jìn)鍋里，裝成自己做的一樣。另一位女性說，她把老公送給自己的一對鉆石耳環(huán)丟了一只，時隔三年之后才對老公坦白。（每次老公問她為什么不戴那對耳環(huán)的時候，她總是說耳環(huán)戴起來有點(diǎn)疼。）還有一位女性則說，她有一位朋友，總是把老公讓她付給清潔工的錢納入自己腰包，然后自己打掃衛(wèi)生。
和我交談過的許多女性似乎都對她們高明的扯謊技巧感到近乎沾沾自喜。那么，為什么男人不去時不時地追根究底，逼迫自己的另一半說出真話呢？出于好奇，我對他們進(jìn)行了采訪。
答案多極了。（答應(yīng)他們這是匿名采訪顯然幫上了忙。）
我問的一位男性諷刺地說，“有什么男人不說謊的事嗎？”
另一位男性解釋道，“對于男人，所有的謊言都是彌天大謊。”
又一位男性說，“我不說謊。我說真話. . . . . .慢慢地說出來。”
還有其它版本。“男人總是感覺他們像是被叫進(jìn)了校長辦公室。那就是我們?yōu)槭裁蠢鲜钦f謊的原因。”
“我的大多數(shù)朋友說的都是沒有惡意的大謊話，因為為了真正維持和睦相處，那些事情可不能說出來！”
“如果你相信的話，那就不是謊言了。”(出自《宋飛正傳》(Seinfeld )里的喬治•克斯坦薩(George Costanza))
在我一再追問細(xì)節(jié)的情況下，我的這些男性消息來源終于支支吾吾地開了口，承認(rèn)他們經(jīng)常在加班這件事上說謊（名為加班，其實是為了跟朋友在酒吧見面，偷偷溜出去打球，或者獨(dú)自散會兒步。）他們還說，關(guān)于在聚會上喝了多少酒，開車有多快，是否覺得自己的女性朋友很吸引人，有多喜歡自己另一半的廚藝或者著裝等等，他們也都撒過謊。“在她換了10套衣服后，如果你還想出門的話，只能說好極了。”
肯塔基州一位小企業(yè)主表示，“我有時候會在修剪樹枝的事情上撒點(diǎn)小謊。”他承認(rèn)自己一拿起手鋸就有些沒完沒了。“有一次，我跟她說那是神秘圓圈的一部分，但我覺得她沒有買賬。”
兩周前，他把一根大樹枝鋸掉了，留下了很大的一個白色殘段。為了掩蓋證據(jù)，他爬上了梯子，用棕色的神奇標(biāo)記筆給樹枝上了色。“她壓根兒就沒發(fā)現(xiàn)！”他得意地說。
嗯，等一等。難道沒有人記得起匹諾曹(Pinocchio)了嗎？《圣經(jīng)》(Bible)？還有媽媽的教誨？說謊是不好的，尤其是說謊的對象還是你的終生伴侶。我真的需要對此做出解釋嗎？
那么，為什么大家都在忙著操控真相呢──雖然他們并不總是認(rèn)為這是撒謊？
伊利諾伊州諾思布魯克的情商學(xué)習(xí)學(xué)院(Institute for Emotionally Intelligent Learning)的心理學(xué)家和主任愛德(Ed Dunkelblau)說，這是為了生存。如果你不說謊，你就無法活下去。
換言之，有時候撒謊──至少是無關(guān)痛癢的小謊──可以有助于兩人的關(guān)系。
首先，謊言使我們避免沖突。這正是詹姆斯(James)為何要告訴他的女友他必須和客戶共進(jìn)晚餐（其實是在和朋友打撲克），午餐吃的是火雞三明治（其實他更喜歡漢堡和比薩餅），想喝冰茶（其實是找個借口走出屋子偷偷抽根煙）。這位紐約市28歲的投資者關(guān)系代表說，“男人撒謊的第一大理由就是避免讓女人生氣。”
對于坦納•雷納特(Tanner Lenart)來說，撒點(diǎn)小謊讓她五年的婚姻生活避免了很多爭吵。問題何在？她老公最喜歡的T恤衫，上面有很多小洞，而且沒有袖子（他把袖子剪掉了）。現(xiàn)年30歲、正在法學(xué)院讀書的雷納特女士說，“我肯定這樣的T恤衫在德克薩斯州的樹林里工作時非常有用，但是它們跟我們位于鹽湖城的可愛社區(qū)一點(diǎn)也不搭調(diào)。”
因此，她把這些T恤衫藏了起來，包括一件來自某家瀝青公司和一件來自瓦胡島某家潛水店的剎綠色T恤衫。當(dāng)她老公問她是否看見過那些T恤衫的時候，她就說沒看到。
約書亞•雷納特(Joshua Lenart)則對老婆的欺騙睜只眼閉只眼。這位31歲的大學(xué)英語教師助理說，“只要她沒有把T恤衫扔掉，我就無所謂。”“我會找找床下，或者衣柜后面，看看T恤衫是不是洗干凈了，然后繼續(xù)輪換著穿。”
正如德克薩斯州巴黎的塞迪•亞歷山大(Sadie Alexander)可以證實的那樣，一點(diǎn)小謊還能幫助我們保護(hù)愛人。為了讓老公去看醫(yī)生，她自己就編造了一個謊言。亞歷山大先生的睪丸上長了一個突起，但是因為過于害怕，他不愿接受檢查。她說，兩年的時間，他對之不管不顧，任由它慢慢長大。
因此，一天晚上等孩子們都上床睡覺了之后，她把他叫到露臺上坐下，告訴他，自己當(dāng)天做了個檢查。“如果我的胸部有個小腫塊，那可能沒什么，是吧？”她問他。
“他馬上大呼小叫起來，” 現(xiàn)年35歲的亞歷山大女士說。她說老公咆哮著說，如果沒有她，他根本無法活下去，并堅持讓她立即去看醫(yī)生。她讓他發(fā)泄了一會兒。接著，她平靜地告訴他，“我并沒有說自己胸部有個腫塊。我說的是，‘如果我有的話，我應(yīng)不應(yīng)該去看醫(yī)生？’你是那個有了腫塊的人。而醫(yī)生說，它有可能讓你喪命。”
亞歷山大女士說，“這個小手腕像魔法一樣有效。”她的老公同意去看醫(yī)生，并在幾周后接受手術(shù)，突起的地方也痊愈了。（亞歷山大先生謝絕接受采訪。）
嗯，這有點(diǎn)極端。不過，讓我們面對現(xiàn)實，在某些事上我們總會對自己的愛人撒謊。
西雅圖的退休財務(wù)管理人士韋恩•威爾遜(Wayne Wilson)表示，“我們都想說實話，但是這也有技巧。”當(dāng)他的老婆問他她看起來怎么樣的時候，他總是說，她很美�，F(xiàn)年64歲的威爾遜說，誰一輩子沒有一兩天看上去不那么精神呢？對一個在你生命中如此重要的人說些不好的話，你又能得到什么呢？
他的妻子，現(xiàn)年48歲、擁有一家公關(guān)公司的塔瑪拉•威爾遜(Tamara Wilson)說，“在經(jīng)過15年婚姻后，我們都意識到自己有時候可能會比較夸張。”
她標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的謊言是什么？“哦，你還是這么威猛。”
原文鏈接：Why We Lie to Our Spouse
